Dating, especially first dates are always tricky. Some people claim that dates are like job interviews: you dress up nicely, smile and try to present the best version of yourself. But, how many times have you had the feeling that things are not moving forward? Not even after such preparations. You offered your best self and still, it is not working out. He or she may just not be that into you. In such a situation, surely you asked yourself: “What the f**k is wrong with me?” I know. We´ve all been there, if that helps!
But that´s exactly what is wrong with you and why your dates are not working out and ending in a happily ever after. Treating dates like job interviews make you look tight and push potential lovers away. It is all way too fake and uncomfortable and, believe me, the other person can feel it.
Overthinking every move and every word does not allow you to flow and simple be. You may think you are doing it for the sake of the other, because you want him/her to fall for you. However, are you really thinking on the other person? Sorry to say that the answer is: “No, you are definitely not!”. You are focusing all your energy on your own perfection and that does not allow you to fully experience the here and now. The conversation. The feelings. The other.
And because we do not want you to fall again in the same old mistakes, here are the two key aspects you should be aware of when you go on a date:
- People are most attracted to those who make them feel relaxed. So, avoid all fakeness please! If the other person feels comfortable on your presence, you are already 50% ahead of your victory. Remember nobody wants to be around fake people who watch out every word and move they do. All we ever want is laid-back people. All of us. And that is why being yourself is extremely important. Take the situation as an opportunity to have fun and do not overthink about the future. Those are the exact thoughts that make you seem fake, uptight and awkward.
- Those who know how to overcome the friend-zone and flirt are the new masters of dating. And, yes! flirting is definitely the other 50% of your victory while dating. Flirting is about playing with the idea of having sex, while not even mentioning it. It is about teasing the other person, it is a give and take game. You can be a little naughty, but never offensive. Everything should be very smooth and elegant. Compliment the other person without being too obvious – a touch here, a cheeky word there… And, for the record, whatever you say, make sure you are being honest.
And to put this in perspective, I will share with you what happened to me on a date with this one guy who probably thought he was the master of flirting. Throughout the night, he would keep telling me how beautiful and sexy I was as well as awkwardly searching for touch at any chance he got. His creepy look on me freaked me out. There was no magic. No fun. No nothing. Just pure sexual desire. Of course, the date ended and I never texted him again. You still wonder why?
- It was too obvious he was not being himself. All he wanted from me was to have sex and that put me off from start. There was no playing, no understatements. I knew exactly what he wanted. There was no mystery at all and that bored me to death.
- He was so uptight. He definitely had a goal and knew exactly what he wanted to get out of that date. And, while in life this tactic may be even desirable, in the dating jungle it does never work. I could feel he was being fake in everything he said and that felt creepy. Really, I just felt like running away asap.
In conclusion: dates, especially the first ones, are all about having fun, being laid back and flirty. They are not formal interviews. Relax and simply get to know the other person, see if there’s attraction between you two, flirt and just play around with that. Feel no pressure. Just be yourself. And, remember: PLAY with it. Dating can be a lot of fun. 😊
Iga Jarzębkowska | Relationship Coach & Blogger